Take Me Out
by brett please
Summary: COLLEGE AU It's the party of the year and all Tony wants is to get Natasha to sleep with him. Steve's desperate to just talk to Peggy. Thor's partial to getting laid and Bruce would settle for a nice night out. Pepper wants a break.
1. Chapter 1

Natasha Romanov knows she's hot.

This is a girl who has D cups to rival Victoria's Secret models. This is a girl who sleeps in flimsy nightgowns and when she walks down the dormitory hallway in the morning to brush her teeth, actually _struts_. This is a girl who has mastered the art of seductive popsicle eating.

It's freshman year and all the boys and half the girls on her hall have fallen in love with her. Darcy Lewis told Pepper Potts who told Tony Stark that Clint Barton, this weird archer kid has been taking her out. Darcy knows because _her _friend Jane Foster has psychology 101 with Natasha and Clint _always _walks her to the classroom door. Also, Sif Rowan, Thor Odinson's friend, sometimes sees Clint and Natasha work out at the school gym together.

No one knows where she came from. Phil Coulson says she's in his Russian Literature class and that she claims to have been born in Moscow. Steve Rogers points out that if she has an accent, it's inaudible to any of them. No one bothers to ask why on earth Phil is taking Russian Literature. They've accepted that he's a mystery.

Natasha _seems _to be eerily good friends with Nick Fury, the surly RA for their building. Bruce Banner saw her getting lattes with Clint and some dark-haired kid he'd never seen. Tony considers staking her dorm room out until Pepper threatens to call campus security.

"Just because she won't sleep with _you_ doesn't mean there's anything different about her. Don't stalk the poor girl." Pepper says disapprovingly. She's everyone's mom. She cleans up your vomit, sets helpful post-it notes to remind your of that five page paper due in 24 hours and best of all, will bring you coffee when you're pulling an all-nighter because you ignored her post-it warnings.

Steve says he doesn't feel comfortable talking about a woman _that _way. Steve isn't really comfortable with anything. Whenever anyone mentions something he doesn't understand (like snowballing or Kim Kardashian's ass or two girls, one cup) he'll jut his lower lip out slightly and say in that same, tired voice that he's "just a kid from Brooklyn." No one knows what that means but Steve looks so much like a kicked puppy that they don't push it.

"We're not talking about Natasha in a weird way. I just want her to sleep with me." Tony says and there's a dull thud as Bruce hits his head on the cafeteria table. They are having their weekly Friday night carbo-load. Pepper has made the large meal mandatory in a desperate attempt to curb the amount of vomit in her life.

"I _told _you. She's sleeping with Barton. Sif says they lift weights together twice a week." Thor says proudly. There's a moment where all the boys sigh softly, thinking of Natasha in yoga pants. Pepper looks disgusted.

"Maybe they're work-out buddies." Bruce says. Bruce is always optimistic. He will assume Natasha is single and interested in him until forcibly proven otherwise.

Tony catcalls. "That's what she said." He yelps, shoving his cheeseburger in his mouth.

"I don't get it." Steve says sulkily. He's finished eating and is now taking delicate sips of milk because "calcium promotes strong bones." Tony and Thor think that he was actually raised in a convent.

"It's not funny." Pepper says, shooting Tony a dirty look. Tony shrugs. Tony has taken to adding, "that's what she said" after the most innocent phrases. It makes Steve nervous to think his speech is secretly infused with sex and annoys everyone else.

(There were a select few times Tony used "that's what she said" appropriately. The first of which was when Bruce was backseat-driving Thor and screeched, "Just pull out already!" Bruce refuses to drive with either of them again.)

"Can we stop talking about Natasha Romanov? There are plenty of pretty girls here." Steve says finally. Even Pepper rolls her eyes at that. When Steve says "pretty girls," he means Peggy Carter, the dark and beautiful tennis player. When she walks by, Tony swears he can see stars in Steve's eyes.

"There _are _other hot girls here and we'll have the pick of them tonight!" Thor says and everyone but Pepper and Steve grin. Tonight is the biggest party of the year, or so says Phil, a junior.

"Okay, ground rules," Pepper says. "We stay in a group. That means if you're leaving, text me with whom and where. Secondly, I will be distributing condoms beforehand. Use them." Bruce raises his hand.

"What if she says she's on birth control?" He asks. Tony snickers but Bruce is genuinely curious. Pepper sighs.

"Humor me. Also, if you are offered _any _sort of pharmaceutical substance, please do a quick Google search first. You've all charged your iPhones?"

"Yes _mom_." Tony mutters.

"Good. Try not to get hammered. We don't want a repeat of my eighteenth birthday party." Pepper hissed. Steve paled and even Tony looked reproachful.

"That was an accede-" Thor begins but one look from Pepper cuts him off.

"So we assemble at ten in Tony's room for pre-gaming?" Bruce asks. Tony smiles. This is what he does best. People say that Tony Stark is a engineering genius set to inherit millions of dollars, but what they don't understand is that at the end of the day, all he wants is some vodka, blaring dubstep and a pretty girl to grind against.

"Assemble!" Steve cries for emphasis and they all smile.


	2. Chapter 2

_i._

Virginia Potts' therapist says that she is co-dependent. She borrows her friend Darcy's friend's psychology textbook, looks up the meaning of the term and writes a two page essay on why it's an incorrect diagnosis. Dr. Selvig doesn't seem to know what to say when she shows up, binder of notes in tow with important points highlighted in pink.

"I am not co-dependent," she says brightly, arranging her color-coded spreadsheet of Issues To Discuss In Therapy. "I just am a highly organized person who likes to help people."

Dr. Selvig sighs.

"Virginia…"

"Pepper." She corrects. She has been correcting people to use her nickname since birth. "But I can go by Virginia if you find that easier. It's no problem. Whatever works for you."

She scribbles "_Selvig uses Virginia" _in her planner.

_ii._

Steve shows up at room 220 at exactly 10:01. He is nothing if not punctual, clean and respectful. His friends are routinely tardy, smelly and rude.

Bruce opens the door and a cloud of smoke billows out, smelling like something dead. Steve reflects that a few months ago, he might have assumed the odor was that of incense or maybe some sort of potpourri. He's been at college for nearly a full semester now and he knows better.

Inside the room, Pepper is arranging little crackers with slices of cheese on them. She's very pretty, as usual, with her hair up in a bun. Tony is mixing some sort of vaguely yellow concoction in a Mason jar and Bruce is lying on his bed, joint in hand, staring dreamily at the ceiling.

Steve sits down nervously on Bruce's desk chair and takes a cracker. When the door flies open with a bang, he finds himself choking on it.

Thor has entered, brown paper bag in a suspicious bottle-like shape under one arm and pretty girl in the other. Bruce darts up and hides the joint behind him; maybe he's concerned the girl is an RA? She certainly has the look of one in an over-large sweater and ripped jeans. Even Steve knows that that's not party clothing.

"Phil took me to the liquor store and I met Jane!" Thor booms in that "I have the voice of Zeus" tone he's mastered and shoves the girl, Jane, forward. She looks around nervously and Steve makes a point of smiling at her.

"Shut the damn door!" Bruce snaps. He's only testy when he's gone too long without smoking or when he fears his smoking is in danger. They all know it's only a matter of time until Nick finds out Tony and his roommate house a petty drug-dealing operation.

"Hey Jane! You know Darcy Lewis, right? She is _so _sweet." Pepper says, like a demented lap dog. She drags the confused looking Jane to the center of the room and sits her down with a handful of crackers. Tony looks her up and down and his eyes suddenly brighten. She's _hot._

"I have rum!" Thor exclaims. He proudly shows the bottle and Bruce does a slow-clap.

"Cool story bro." Tony mutters, shaking the Mason jar with force that seems positively homicidal. Thor looks hurt.

"It was a great adventure. While Phil was inside, Jane hit me with her car." He says, somewhat sulkily. Thor thrives on being the center of attention. Usually that's easy with his genial attitude and hilarious stories, but should the focus shift from him for just a moment, he could pout like no one else.

Pepper looked up as if expecting Thor to start oozing blood. Jane blushed and even Tony stopped making the world's most violent cocktail and stared.

"You… _what?" _Bruce asked.

"Are you okay? Do you need me to call an ambulance?" Pepper cried, running around Thor and looking for signs of trauma. Thor laughed and Steve rolled his eyes. Another Thor-centric tale of bravery and valor.

"I am fine, just bruised. Jane was so upset that I felt the only way I could make it up to her was by inviting her to our get-together." Thor says and Jane looks embarrassed.

"Make it up to her…? Because you were hit by…?" Bruce says slowly, trying to work out Thor's logic. Steve thinks he understands Thor's logic pretty well. It begins and ends somewhere around Jane's chest.

"I'm really sorry." Jane says. Pepper shushes her and tells her to eat some crackers and Tony makes a joke about road kill and Bruce rolls another joint. Steve is enlisted to help Tony pour out prodigious amounts of whatever he's been mixing into red solo cups.

In honor of his near-death experience, Thor gets the first taste. He takes a gulps, savors it for a bit and then smiles. "Wonderful."

Then everyone wants a try. Tony claims that if his father wouldn't kill him, he'd become a bartender and he's constantly trying to make new and weird cocktails. Some, such as the Gatorade and Crystal Light Supreme, are delicious. Others are not.

Even Pepper takes a cup. Steve feels left out, as he always does as everyone makes a big show of drinking together in turn. He _knows _drunkenness is wrong and he shouldn't want to partake but it's times like these he hates his stupid, bad heart and his stupid medication.

His jealousy fades as he looks at Pepper's face. She's just taken a sip and seems unable to choose between throwing up and dying slowly on the floor. Tony and Thor are obviously enjoying themselves. Jane's crinkled her nose in a really cute way and Bruce looks green.

"This is revolting." Bruce says after a moment. Pepper spits out the contents of her mouth in her cup, glad she isn't the one to land the blow. This is another of Tony's cocktail failures it seems.

"I thought it was delicious." Thor muses, finishing his cup. "I agree." Tony adds snootily.

"What is it?" Jane asks, sounding curious but also scared. Exactly the way one's supposed to sound when they find out the meaning of life or something.

"It's a Tony Stark daiquiri," Tony says. "We didn't have rum _until now _so I used vodka. And we didn't have lime juice so I used Brisk. And powdered sugar."

Jane shrugs and takes another drink and Steve decides he likes her. Thor is already pouring himself another and Pepper is trying to pretend she likes it to a concerned Tony. Bruce has apparently decided drugs are more appetizing and is back in his marijuana haze.

"For those of you so _disgusted," _Tony shoots Pepper and Bruce dirty looks. "We also have white rum, via Thor. I have red vitamin water for you to mix it with in the fridge. Or we can do body shots. Your choice."

Things settle into a familiar routine. Thor is trying to outdrink Tony while flirting with Jane who seems thrilled at his attentions. Tony is trying to convince Pepper to do body shots as she mixes a very conservative rum and coke. Bruce eating every cracker in the entire room at once while trying to get everyone to dance to music only he can hear. Finally he grabs Steve and they awkwardly mosh while Thor grinds the air. Even Pepper is laughing and by the time eleven comes, no one even really wants to leave.


End file.
